


Is all that we see or seem (But a dream within a dream.)

by goldenboat



Series: Our story in Sunrises and Sunsets... [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bottom Castiel, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Established Relationship, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hallucinations, Hurt/Comfort, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Terrorism, Journalism, Journalist Dean, Kidfic, M/M, Married Castiel/Dean Winchester, Medical Procedures, Nightmares, Non-Graphic Violence, Post Mpreg, Professor Castiel, Romance, Sabriel - Freeform, Same-Sex Marriage, Sick Castiel, Terrorism, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-27
Updated: 2015-09-27
Packaged: 2018-04-23 16:39:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4884100
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldenboat/pseuds/goldenboat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They all say that matches are made in heaven. In Castiel and Dean's case, it was made across the fence. They grew up as neighbours, went on to become best friends and ultimately lovers and husbands. Dean is a renowned journalist and Castiel is a college professor. This is their story.</p><p>Dean has returned home from a three month long assignment in Iraq …and everything is supposed to fall into place now. The soul mates spend some beautiful moments reconnecting…and everything starts looking up.<br/>But dark nightmares and unspoken issues rear their ugly heads in the worst possible way....testing their love....relationship....and lives together.<br/>Dean realizes it the hard way that when you've got something to say...you gotta say it now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Is all that we see or seem (But a dream within a dream.)

**Author's Note:**

> The major characters don't belong to me. I'm just spinning my yarn with their help. All mistakes are mine.
> 
> Reviews are love.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

###  [Dean/Castiel AU- Is all that we see or seem (But a dream within a dream.)](http://goldenboat.livejournal.com/32913.html)

 

 

 

 

 

How does it feel to have all your wishes come true?

  
To lose your life in one elusive dream …..beyond sight…beyond touch… and to have it wait for you one fine morning…just within reach?

  
Dreams are intangible….

  
They shatter mercilessly as soon as the dreamer opens his eyes.

  
But Castiel’s aren’t.

  
He wakes up to its sleeping face with the first rays of the morning sun….long eyelashes brushing the golden cheek …lips moist and slightly parted… ….and he is left breathless with fear.  
Dreams shatter.

  
He wants to caress the golden hair…but his hands pauses midway. Last night was hectic and Dean deserves to unwind…  
Castiel’s pretty sure Dean hasn’t had much sleep while he was away.

  
Just like Castiel.  
It’s something that he has learned to live with.  
When Dean’s into something…he gives it his entirety. He would go to any extent to expose the truth…to paint the real picture and go beyond the conventional narrative…. lend a voice to those without one.

  
It’s his one true calling….that bounds him with the rest of humanity and makes him who he is.  
And that means hardship. It has showered him with immense fame and accolades in the world of news media.  
But it has come with a price.

  
The price of his personal safety and family.  
The price of his comfort.  
The price of Castiel’s sleepless nights.  
Every job assigned to Dean tugs on the fine thread that binds them together.

  
It’s always like this.

When Dean jumps head first into the horrific world of flesh trade and helps the FBI in unearthing a massive trafficking ring that runs across South-East Asia and USA by pulling off a daring journalistic coup….  
Castiel is left grasping with the sordid torture tales that float about that pre-dawn world thanks to the internet and hoping beyond hope that maybe….maybe they let his husband live this time.

But it was never supposed to go this way.  
The Castiel he once knew dreamed of being the one Dean always returned to.  
The Castiel today….staring at Dean’s sleeping face knows the truth too well.  
Saying good bye is so fucking hard.

And waiting indefinitely is even harder.

The sight that presents itself before him in the rays of the golden sun induces a sleepy smile. Dean and baby are huddled together under the blanket.

Last night, Dean had lifted their slumbering baby from his crib and placed him in the middle of their bed.One quick peck on their sleep warm cheeks and he is off to start the day. His eyes falls on his reflection in the bedroom mirror and he sighs.

  
Since when did he turn into this horrible dream crusher who’s hell bent on stealing every colour from Dean’s life?  
His dreams and his freedom?

  
Sometimes in the darkest hour of the night, Castiel meets his worst nightmare.Dean seeing Castiel in the true light….as the monster he really is.  
The one that wishes to clip his soaring wings and chain him to the bed.  
Castiel keeps that one locked in his inner dungeon.

  
It’s not some place he ventures often. Its emaciated dark corners are spattered with the remains of his niggling self-doubts and self-worth issues. His anxieties and inner concerns. It’s his most un-Castiel like place ever. And he’s so damn happy that Dean doesn’t know it even exists.

***************  
“Dean…I think that’s quite enough!” Castiel peers over his husband’s shoulders to peek down at the bright red cauldron boiling away on the oven and shakes his head. He has no idea where all his husband’s ridiculous cooking ideas come from. The head ‘chef’ was gonna dump yet another spoonful of crushed red chillies in the lamb stew…but his husband’s words made him pause midway.  
“I don’t think so Cas. It’s supposed to knock your socks off.” The green eyed man turns around to face Cas who hasn’t left his side ever since his emphatic morning declaration that he is gonna cook a full course Middle-Eastern meal for the family.

  
“Dadadada!” The baby gives them a bright gummy smile from his position in the high chair, prompting a hearty laughter from Dean.

  
“By the looks of it…you have succeeded.” Castiel winced internally at the sheer amount of red chillies in it.

  
You see, Dean Winchester and cooking don’t mix. He burns water. Ever since college days, his idea of cooking has been pizzas and take-outs.The only recipe he knows somehow by the grace of God is tomato-rice soup.Castiel had been subjected to it many a times during his pregnancy days when he was too incapacitated to do anything out of sheer fatigue. This sudden interest in cooking had kinda thrown him of and he was about to say no.

  
Dean in the kitchen is synonymous with a mini tornado and Castiel was always left with the duty of cleaning the mess.  
But one look at his husband’s hopeful green eyes and he understood.

  
It was Dean’s attempt at regaining normalcy…of winding down from the battle he had been waging for the last three months.  
Because as much as Castiel wants to think that he’s the lone fighter in the war, he knows the truth better than anyone else.  
It’s Dean’s fight as much as his.

  
All these tiny gestures he constantly comes up with are his way to clear his mind…..to prevent himself from wandering constantly down that pain filled road…and to fill the impossible void in Castiel’s soul.

  
So Castiel goes with it.

  
And he will do anything to make Dean forget….to make himself forget the r

eality of their situation.  
That Dean may have to pack his bags for yet another assignment any day.  
Castiel has no idea what he’s gonna do if Dean leaves again this time around. It’s true that he has been on the receiving end of Dean’s good byes for many years now.  
But something has changed this time.

  
“Hey Cas? Taste?” A spoonful of gravy is thrust in his face shattering his chain of thoughts.

  
Castiel eyed the contents of the spoon with mild consternation. It appeared much too red for his taste and he’s not crazy.  
But it’s Dean. His Dean. And he is certifiably crazy for this infuriating man… ….who’s about to kill him. He shook his head in fond exasperation and tucked in the spoon with gusto.  
**********

“Feeling better Cas?” A soothing voice whispers in his ears as a firm callused hand strokes his forehead.Castiel sighs in contentment and leans back again the firm chest.

  
“It’s nothing Dean. I get it sometimes.” Castiel turned his head to smile at his husband who didn’t seem too convinced.

  
“Since when Cas? And why am I knowing about this now?” Dean looks so hurt and indignant that Castiel can’t help but smile in wry amusement. He feels oddly thrilled to be at the receiving end of Dean’s anger. Who knew someone could look so hot when he’s pissed off?

  
“I swear I’ve taken my meds. I’m feeling just fine Dean.” Castiel whispers into Dean’s chest causing the other man to frown.

  
“When Cas? I didn’t see you taking anything.” Dean’s brows knit into an enticing curve. Really….is there anything in this man that’s not beautiful?

  
Castiel turns around to face his husband on the couch. They have been resting there for the better part of the day since lunch…. with Dean hogging the place of the big spoon like forever.  
Green eyes meet blue ones in the overriding silence of the room as Castiel’s hand worm their way under Dean’s tee shirt.

  
“Here’s my meds Dean!” He whispers… prompting a shy smile in the freckled face Castiel loves more than life itself. Their callused hands snake their ways under their tees ….and they relish under each other’s presence.

  
They have been snoozing in their ratty old couch ever since lunch.

Don’t even ask Castiel how it went. One spoon of Dean’s lamb stew….and it felt like Castiel was swallowing hot lava.  
His mouth was quite literally burning and Castiel actually ate some of his baby’s bland apple sauce to cool it down….a fact that Dean won’t let him live it down any time soon.

  
The ‘chef’ on the other hand relished his entire meal. As it turned out, his three month stint in Middle East has given him an iron laden stomach…….and an appetite to match.

  
As they both lay in each other’s arms , exchanging lazy kisses and barely there touches…..Castiel finally feeling like whole again….as if all the lost pieces of his soul are finding their way home.  
Only one tiny thought keeps on tormenting him at the back of his mind.

  
“Dean?” He whispers, voice hoarse with desire as lips begin an enchanting downward journey showering tiny kisses on his neck and shoulder blades.

  
“Hmm?”

  
“Whose call was that?” He asks in a tiny voice. He hates himself for sounding so insecure….so weak.

  
“Whah?” Dean seems to be in a haze. He has a hard time in placing Castiel’s words.

  
“The phone call?” Castiel pushes again and playfully bites an earlobe for effect.

  
“Oh yeah…. Crowley called. Wants to meet over dinner next week.” Castiel sighs internally.

  
Fergus Crowley is the current head and CEO of Dean’s network. While network heads rarely mingle with on-field correspondents,  Crowley has taken a special liking for Dean.  
It has nothing to do with his affection for Castiel’s husband and everything to do with the steep TRPs, accolades and sheer amount of international sponsors that Dean’s work bring.  
But Dean’s not the only one Crowley has special eyes for.

  
The network has a number of award winning journalists under its wings, including the chief of news bureau Robert Singer, who’s a legend in his own right. They are undoubtedly the prime assets of the network and  Crowley has taken great interest in all of them, since the day he joined in the helm. It’s a part of the wider policy of the network to play its cards right in the public battle with other media houses.

  
The international news section has the largest viewership among all news coverage and it’s this section that lures in maximum sponsors…much more than the amount of sponsors the coverage on domestic news bring.

  
So….. Dean has been in the receiving end of such invitations since a long time. For Castiel, an invitation from  Crowley is another name for “Come on boys! It’s time to set sailin again ! Off ya go!!”  
Sweet talking about next assignments and deadlines………..over an array of expensive food and even pricier French wine….with  Crowley smiling at the head of the table like a benevolent father.  
Yes…Castiel was ‘fortunate’ enough to be specially invited to one when Dean was sent to Kandahar years back and he has a fair idea how they go.

  
The man himself is one of the friendliest guys one can come across but Castiel always feels queasy whenever someone mentions his name.  
He can’t help it.  
************

 

 

The faint sound of the doorbell wakes the hazel eyed man slumbering on the couch. Castiel is about to get up when a firm hand on his chest pushes him back down.  
“I’ll get it. Sleep.”

  
Castiel’s almost under the influence of hypnos but hushed voices approaching the drawing room prevent him from going under all the way. They are somewhat garbled….  
“Hey Cas? Look who’s here!” The evident smile in Dean’s voice makes him open his eyes.

  
It’s Benny. The man in question winks at Castiel and makes himself comfortable on the couch.

  
“Hey Benny!!” Castiel smiles. Benny Lafitte is another renowned journalist who covers the international news for Dean’s network…specializing on African and Asian affairs. He’s also Dean’s best friend since college days….quirky and brilliant.

  
The two have often been tag teamed in some crucial assignments….like the ones in Swat Valley and Iran.

  
But why’s he here? Castiel feels oddly uncomfortable due to some reason….though Benny has been to their house numerous times.

  
As he lays back listening to the two friends chat over beer….it becomes clear to him. And he can’t hold it back anymore.

  
“You’re leavin again….aren’t you?” He feels oddly betrayed and cheated. Everything gets hazy all of a sudden. All he hears over the multitude of voice screaming within his head is Dean’s….as if he is trying to soothe him.

  
“Hey…Cas? Hey…hey….come on…it’s okay…come on. Fuck…Cas? No!!”  
All he can feel is this excruciating pain emanating from his head. He wants to fight Dean…he wants to fight everything there is…he wants to… And everything goes black all of a sudden.  
******************

 

 

A casket neatly placed on an air tray.

It’s marked with the words ‘HUMAN REMAINS’ in bold black letters.On the casket itself, one can see the name and destination of the person it belongs to.  
Dean Winchester, KBL-JFK, American Airlines 7961 And just below it are two italicized words- EXTREME CARE  
It’s all that has remained of Castiel’s dreams. His life….his happiness and his love.

Dean is dead.

Ironically he didn’t lose his life while trying to do something risky. Dean died from an explosion on his way to the Kabul airport when a car bomb in the taxi he had hired exploded.

It’s a regular occurrence there. Terror…loss of lives….and people promptly forgetting it to go on about their daily livelihood.  
But this time it has succeeded in robbing Castiel of the only thing he has ever truly wished for. Dean.

The entire house is in shambles.  
Sam has gone into a shock and hasn’t spoken since the news arrived.  
John and Mary have arrived along with Charlie and Eve….none are expressing any sorrow. What has happened has stolen away every bit of happiness from their lives. Everyone has always been aware of the nature of Dean’s profession.

But what had happened was beyond anyone’s slightest imagination.

Dean  with his boundless energy and optimism has left….and has taken last bits of  colour along with him.As if an invisible artist has dumped all his white and grey shades in a colourful canvas …..making everything dull and lifeless.

John seems to have aged twenty years in these last few days.  
Gab seems to be the only one holding it together…If it was not for him…Castiel has no idea if he would have survived at all.  
Charlie and Eve have repeatedly tried to disarm him,

The rest of the distant relatives had sided with them. They kept on saying what’s rational….  
….what’s normal….

“We will bring him home Cas. Please don’t do this to yourself!”  
“The mortuary will handle it baby. Why don’t you have a little rest?”  
“Please Cas. Josh needs you, Don’t!”

But Castiel had to do it. He has always been the one to receive Dean. And the last time won’t be any different.  
He is left with a heady sensation that leaves him numb.

He has often read about something called ‘grieving-process’. He has seen people crying hysterically at the loss of loved ones.  
Ironically, now that his life has ended….. Castiel is finding it hard to grieve. He is yet to shed a single drop…..

As he goes through the formalities in the airport and signs off necessary papers……he is suddenly assaulted with a silly urge to look back.  
There’s someone standing behind him. Someone he loves more than life itself has this childish habit of hugging Castiel from the back at the most inopportune moment…and Castiel can’t help feeling like he’s about to be engulfed in a bone crushing hug.

Almost unmindful of the reality…the cyan eyed man looks back with a tiny smile in his lips that’s waiting to be turned into a full blown laughter.

And then he sees it.

It’s a casket waiting on a cold steel table.

HUMAN REMAINS.

All of a sudden a realization dawns on him leaving him breathless in the middle of the dreary desert like airport.  
Dean’s never gonna hug him anymore.  
He is never gonna come home any more.  
Dean is dead.

And that’s when Castiel starts crying for the first time since he heard the news.  
He tries to hug the casket unmindful of the concerned glances the kind officials at the customs are giving him. He wants to slither in there and die along with the man inside. He doesn’t want to live anymore.  
But his voice refuses to cooperate as does his hands.  
All he hears are beeping sounds from all around him.

 

 

************  
“Mr Winchester? Can you hear me?” A male voice calmly calls on to Castiel. He really doesn’t want to open his eyes.  
And that’s when he hears it.

  
“Hey Cas?” The voice seems familiar. It’s honeyed, rich and warm. So familiar. But that’s impossible.

  
Dean’s gone.

  
“De..Dean?” He feels familiar fingers card through his hairs. A pair of lips are leaving tiny kisses on his forehead. Still in the throes of a dreamlike reality….Castiel finally opens his eyes.  
What he sees leaves him torn.

  
He’s in lying on a bed in what essentially seems like a hospital room. It looks so scary with the machines beeping all around him. But the scariest sight in the colourless room is what he sees on his bedside.

  
A pair of red rimmed green eyes….and a face that seems to have aged ten years.  
“How do you feel now Mr. Winchester?” The same unfamiliar voice that called on to Castiel broke his reverie. Castiel faintly nods, not taking his eyes off Dean.

  
The simple act seems to drain him of his energy.

  
Why is he so tired?

  
“You know how lucky you are? Another day and that aneurysm could have done a real damage….. How long have you been having these headaches your husband was talking about?” The doctor pushes on all the while scribbling in his chart at the foot of Castiel’s bed.

  
“For..for some time.” He whispers and the doctor shakes his head.

  
He should be happy…that it was but a dream. But the sight of Dean breaks him down.

  
The dream…the sheer reality of it...are still wrecking a havoc in his heart….and he starts crying for earnest making Dean rush to his comfort.

  
What Dean does is so like him.

  
He has always been the one who snubbed his nose at the authorities. And he does it again.

  
In a total disregard of hospital policies and breaking at least fifty rules….Dean proceeds to lie beside his husband and soothe him with his touch.

  
“Shhhh! It’s okay Cas. I’m here. Why are you cryin huh?” Dean places a kiss on one of his eyelids and Castiel starts tearing again. Why does it all seem so unreal? Thankfully the doctor takes everything in his stride and disregards this little rebellion on Dean’s part.

  
“What’s the last thing you remember ?” He pushes again.

  
“Ben…Benny came for a visit….was talking to Dean.” Castiel replies. His mind is still wandering down the moonlit path of his dreams…and its making him sleepy again.

  
The answer makes the doctor frown and he looks at Dean for an affirmation. But the blond man just shakes head in bewilderment.

  
“Hey Cas?” Sleepy hazel eyes open again.

  
“Benny’s in Syria baby. He didn’t come today. ” Dean’s voice breaks as he hides his face in Castiel’s hair.

  
“We..we were …on the couch…and you had a panic attack. I couldn’t calm you down.” Dean wipes off his tears in his sleeves. But it proves futile. New tears start filling the place of the old ones soon enough.

  
“Then..then you started convulsing…and …and blacked out. You have been out for three days Cas. Fuck…you almost killed me.” Tiny sobs fill the eerie silence of the room in the midst of all the beeping machines.

  
“Do…do you remember any of it?” Dean’s stroking his hair again and Castiel knows he’ll fall asleep soon enough.

  
He just shakes his head.

  
All that he heard leaves him stunned.

  
“Hallucination is quite common in such cases .Don’t worry . He’s out of the danger zone. It’s just plenty of sleep and fluids for now.” He intones.  
Castiel just sighs.

  
He has no idea when his life ceased being real….when it breached the threshold of unreality to evolve into a horrific nightmare….. ….letting all his inner demons out.

  
But one tiny thought makes him spring right up the bed making all the machines around him beep alarmingly.

  
Nothing…not even Dean can calm him down….let alone the doctor and the incoming nurses. His head feels like it’s about to break in two….

  
A tiny face.

  
“Josh ? Dean? Josh?” He screams on like a madman…like a record stuck in an eternal loop.

  
His baby. His little baby. One who doesn’t even sleep without Castiel by his side let alone stay with others for three whole days.

  
Last time Castiel saw him…he was playing on the living room floor. Oh God.

  
“ Hey…Hey….calm down. He’s with Sam and Gabe. Ellen’s there as well. Shhhh…calm down!” And Dean’s there again with the soothing voice that always sets him at rest. He finally falls asleep with Dean’s hands on his chest.

 

 

*************  
The next time he wakes up….it’s almost dark outside. The drawn curtains betray the dusky sky beyond. He opens his eyes to eerie sounds of machines beeping away with abandon and the prickling sensation of IV in his left hand. He feels like someone’s staring.  
“Dean?” He croaks….still reeling under the drug induced drowsiness.

The sight is disconcerting.

Dean’s staring. The look on his face is so guarded and closed off …it scares Castiel to no end. He lightly touches the other’s elbow…and whatever reverie Dean was in shatters.

“You thought I was dead.” It’s not a question.

It’s a demon locked inside that dungeon of his. There’s no way for Dean to find it out. It was just a dream.

“You thought I was dead Cas.” Dean presses again….this time gently turning Castiel’s stubborn face to his side.

“Don’t..don’t know what you are talkin about.” Castiel closes his eyes again. Dean’s words are disarming. They seem to dismantle all the carefully constructed barriers Castiel has worked so hard for all these years.

He knows how to cope. He knows how to put on a smiling face every new morning and hide all his turmoil behind it.

But what he doesn’t know is to deal, when his inner dungeon falls apart from a sudden blow….letting all his demons out.  
Dean’s implacable. His green eyes are unnaturally bright….setting Castiel at an unease in his presence for the first time of his life.

“Go home Dean. Aren’t you tired? Josh?” Diversion makes an easy way out of awkwardness of the situation.  
Before he can say more a finger silently shushes him…and Dean shakes his head.  
Bloody brilliant.

“Everything’s been taken care of. I went to see baby when you were sleepin. Lil cranky…but doin fine so far…….And I am not leaving.” Castiel closes his eyes at the mention of his son. His poor baby.  
“I am not leaving Cas!” Dean repeats.  
Castiel is sure there’s more….and he’s not gonna like it.  
“You almost died Cas…thought that I was dead…lying in a casket….and you gave up.” Dean buries his face in the pillow….three day old stubble tickling Castiel’s ears. When he looks up again…his eyes are awash with tears.  
“I am never leaving you again….”Dean shakes his head helplessly.  
“I can’t.”  
Weren’t these the precise words Castiel has thirsted to hear all these years? Yet strangely they piss him off.  
He feels intensely angry at everyone in general….

At his body that betrayed him and foiled his plans. At Dean who has suddenly taken it upon himself to take Castiel’s decisions for him. He feels mortified at being exposed in such a way.

It’s his treacherous body that has left him weak in Dean’s eyes. It’s true that he always wanted Dean to stop leaving. But in his dreams…Dean always wishes to stay back because he wants to.

The reality throws itself at Castiel’s face and he’s reeling under it. Dean is left without any options… and a person without any options does things under compulsion.

Castiel hates it.  
He stays silent as Dean gets on the bed and lies down on his pillow mindful of all the wires.  
As the two weary men relish the closeness and the warmth of the moment….Castiel still finds peace elusive.

He places a sloppy kiss on his husband’s forehead and closes his eyes.

He knows they still have a long way to go…. and a prolonged battle to fight.  
Because he’ll rather be dead than forcing Dean away from his life…..his dreams. If he does…his inner conflicts will kill him before the aneurysm succeeds. He is not gonna let Dean give up his dreams.

They have a lot to talk about….and he has stalled it long enough.But for now Dean’s smell is engulfing his senses….his very being.  
He can’t wait to be home and hold his baby again…to fight silly with Dean and match his snark for snark…..to hold him and never let him go… …to live his dream for as long as life lets him.

He’s still internally quaking from his nightmares….and their reality has left him disoriented.

But that’s the story for another day. Now is the time to sleep.

He burrows his face deep in Dean’s chest and finally let’s himself rest.

As soon as Castiel’s breath evens out….Dean opens his eyes.

He has no intention to sleep at this hour.All he wants to do is to hold Castiel close.  
He hasn’t slept a wink ever since Castiel seized in his arms and blacked out. Three days to be exact.

But he’s pretty sure Castiel has been sleepless ever since Dean’s been in his life…..

It’s the first time he has been in Castiel’s nightmare. It’s the first time he has seen the world in Castiel’s eyes…of himself lying in a casket and a lifeless Castiel crying over it.  
Now that he has realized the truth… Dean regrets it. He wishes he had sorted out his priorities sooner….had held Castiel in a bone crushing hug and told him that he comes first…that there’s nothing else he wants more.

But it’s too late now.Everything he does now will be held as compulsion….as something he is forced into doing due to the situation they are in.  
Yes…he knows his Cas even more than Cas does himself.

  
He holds the sleeping man impossibly closer and shuts his eyes again.

  
He has always been theoretically aware of the fact that life is short.

  
But until three days ago…he had no idea how short it could be. How it can be snatched from your hands at a moment’s notice…..taking away all your peace of mind….dreams of a golden future…..and warmth.

  
He’s no longer sure of anything.

  
Except his love for Castiel.  


 


End file.
